Intimacy and Sex Coaching: Q&A with coach and therapist Caroline Webb

1. What is the difference between sex and intimacy coaching?

A sex coach guides people to become more sexually creative and to try new things instead of sticking to the usual, the normal—let’s just call it missionary or vanilla sex. Even within vanilla sex, I encourage people to experiment and explore new activities, whether it’s a kink, a fetish, or simply wanting to be more adventurous together.

In terms of intimacy coaching, that’s where I guide and teach people by providing tools to become more attuned to themselves. Understanding that intimacy can involve anything from quality time together to attending an event to dining out to simply sitting on a couch. I have a series called The Couch Connection, where I sit with people to connect at eye level and debrief about their day, reconnect and try to fall in love daily.

2. Who can benefit from intimacy coaching?

Anyone and everyone can benefit from intimacy coaching. Intimacy is not something many people are born with. If you grew up in a household where people were not very warm in terms of hugging or kissing, or were not touchy-feely, we might not understand what a close bond feels like.

Intimacy is something that can definitely be taught and guided, and it’s all about listening, paying attention to yourself and your partner, and tuning in to what is important to both. It is also about recognizing and flowing with your resistance. Instead of constantly resisting with statements such as “No, I’m not a hugger” or “I don’t like dinners in restaurants,” push your boundaries. Step outside your comfort zone. Test yourself according to what you typically resist, and you will find that through your resistance, new insights will emerge, revealing what you actually enjoy. This will influence your sexual conduct and the way you express yourself sexually.

3. Can intimacy coaching help in other areas of my life?

Yes, absolutely. When you learn to be intimate, as a woman, when we tap into our sensuality and explore how we like to engage intimately, you identify what is important to you. As women we need to feel absolutely protected by our partner, and with that comes surrender. Once we surrender, we become more open, and this can overflow into other areas of our life. For both men and women, this means allowing the man to lead and giving him support, naturally within a healthy relationship—I am not referring to abusive relationships, only healthy ones.

I have a program called Love360, as well as The Couch Connection, where you gain a better understanding of yourself. Discover what you like and dislike, and most importantly, address any traumas you may carry, such as abandonment issues. Once we work through and heal from our traumas, everything else feels like a walk in the park.

I tell people not to assume that because I am a sex coach, intimacy coach, or relationship coach, I was born with this knowledge. Definitely not. I had a fear of sex because it was considered taboo, the devil’s work—a paradox since we have sex to create life. So what is it? Can we engage in the “devil’s work” when we want to have a baby? I learned over time that the more you love yourself and understand yourself, the more healing occurs, leading to healthier relationships with others. But most importantly, it’s about having a healthy relationship with yourself.

When you are in touch with yourself, gentle with yourself, and possess healthy boundaries, you will know what to ask of others on an intimate level. This awareness will extend to your friendships and how you communicate with others, enabling mutual understanding without feeling defensive or cornered.

4. How to find the right coach?

I always suggest reading someone’s website and getting a feel for what you see there. You can have a five-minute conversation with me to see if I’m suitable for you. I’m obviously not going to do a full consultation over the phone. However, make a couple of phone calls and find out what your reception is like. When I say reception, I don’t mean the receptionist answering the phone, but rather the person who is communicating with you. Are they understanding your needs, or is it just about getting you to sit on their couch and talk about what’s going on in your life?

Finding a sex or intimacy coach is a very sensitive choice because you need to feel that you can trust the person you’re sitting with and feel completely comfortable. If you read my website, you will see that I say I am not your regular coach; I am definitely out of the box. I believe this has a lot to do with the fact that I have many tattoos. From time to time, I do cuss during my sessions purely for expression. Go with someone you resonate with—someone who truly understands you. You might get it right the first time or only the second or third time.

5. What if one is too shy to talk about sex?

That’s pretty normal for some people. Not everybody is comfortable with this topic. For me, that stems from the discomfort that we have with ourselves. We either lack confidence or it’s a religious upbringing.

In my case, I always reference the fact that I was brought up staunch Afrikaans and Christian, and that if you spoke of sex or even thought about it, you were going to go straight to hell. That is, in actual fact, not true. It doesn’t happen like that. It’s okay to be shy. However, if you have needs and desires, you must understand that if you’re going into a partnership with someone, being shy will be a challenge, because if you cannot communicate your needs to your partner, coaching helps with that. When you are in a space with me, I do role-play with you where we push the boundaries in terms of certain conversations, and I give you the tools on how to do things differently regarding your shyness in communication.

Let’s say you have a kink or a fetish, or let’s say you’ve got a foot fetish. You might want me to dress up in high heels and fishnet stockings, but you don’t know how to bring that across. Yet you also want me to have a pedicure. The way we would do that is by asking, “How do you feel about dressing up?”

If I’m a very understanding partner, I can say, “Oh, that’s absolutely awesome; let’s try that.” Or if I’m completely taboo, I might go, “Oh my gosh, are you out of your mind?” That’s the feedback that I need, and then we manage that kind of conversation and how to start with baby steps instead of just leaping into me asking you or you asking me to delve into a foot fetish when I haven’t even gone beyond vanilla sex.

6. What should I expect during the sessions?

It all depends on the session. If people come to me for either sex or intimacy or relationships or they want to understand their sexuality or their sensuality better, it’s really all about what it is that you are coming to me for.

I normally start with finding out what your drivers or challenges are. Once we know that, we find ways of ensuring it works for everybody. So whether it’s something personal to yourself, you have healing that’s required somewhere, or you want to try something new, I do guide people through that.

I do a lot of sessions with women one-on-one if they want to understand how to masturbate or, for instance, perform oral on someone. I do demonstrations with toys and things for them. If you have couples that do not know how to do sensual massage, I get them to come into sessions for that. So with the work that I do, it is really, really broad. And I do try and tend to everyone’s need and desire.

I’ve just recently started talking about an educational introduction to BDSM and understanding that. And there are a couple of things coming up with regard to sensuality, stepping into your womanhood, and understanding your partner and how to touch yourself.

7. Can sex coaching help with libido and performance?

Absolutely, it can. I’m going to use myself as an example. I’m very sensual, so I like to be touched, caressed, cuddled, and kissed. For me, quality time is important. I need to build up quality time, so the more we sit together and touch and caress, the more my desire grows. But if, let’s say, you walk through the door, slap my ass, and say, “How’s it? Bend over! Let me stick it in you”—I’m going to go, “Oh my goodness, there’s no foreplay.” There’s a time and place for quickies, but foreplay is absolutely important.

That’s what I teach people as well: how to be more patient with your partner, how to not just want to dive into the deep end, and that you need to learn to swim before you actually start. And that, in itself, is a wonderful experience—learning how to find a new playful way of communicating with each other, both verbally and nonverbally.

8. How can a couple find middle ground when their fetiches don’t match?

It depends. Let’s say you are into bondage and spanking. I might not like to be tied down, but I don’t mind you spanking my bum. Where do we find common ground? What is it that you enjoy? You might be an absolute kinkster who likes to dress up completely and cross-dress, and I go, “Oh my word, how do we do that?”

It all comes down to having a discussion. Let’s sit down, let’s talk about it, and start at ground zero together. What can we try together that is meek and mild and not shocking for either of us? This way, we ease into it together and grow together with our kinks and fetishes. If I enter at a vanilla sex level while you come in at a full-on hardcore dominatrix BDSM level hanging from the ceiling. Of course, I’m either going to feel intimidated, scared, or completely out of my depth with you. If you and I don’t have a mutual understanding of what’s going on, you might feel that I will never be able to match you, nor will we have sexual chemistry purely because you seem so elevated to me. However, if we approach it from common ground and say, “Right, this is what I can bring to the party. How can you come down to my level and teach me so that I can rise to yours?” How do we help each other along the way? I think it is really important to find ways to encourage each other, as long as everything is consensual.

9. What are your suggestions for couples wanting to get out of routine in their relationship?

I believe that couples should do a lot more together because the more we do together, the more we are in each other’s space, and the easier it is to maintain attraction for one another. Again, it goes through communication. And I say, remove technology. Don’t watch series for days on end and then wonder why you haven’t been intimate yet. Make time for each other. Have date nights, try something new, and go for a walk together. I even suggest realistic porn, not this fake stuff that’s a role play of someone coming to fix your dishwasher and then, oops, you fall in love with this guy and want to mount him. That’s just so unrealistic.

Find something that you can relate to. Role-play for each other. Dress up. What you can do to get out of your routine is ask, “What are we going to do tonight?” But foreplay already starts from six the night before. So it’s always continuous and ongoing. Cook together. Be playful. I think playfulness is a very, very, very big part of it.

The biggest challenge we all face—and I’ve been through that before—is that you get so caught up in your work that you run away with things. Let’s just make time to connect because we didn’t really connect throughout the day. When you feel like you’re busy drifting, it is really time to connect. And there are many ways to do it. Go to the theater. Go for dinner.

10. Anything else that is important to consider when it comes to intimacy?

Oh my word. So much to consider. Before you get into bed with someone, find out if the person you’re getting into bed with is actually your match. I say ask the right questions from the beginning. If you want to shy away by saying, “I can’t talk about sex right now,” or “Are you a cuddler or not?” because you might offend the person, you do yourself an injustice. For a long time I believed sex is not something you talk about immediately; you have to wait until later on in the relationship.

I’m turning 50 this year, so I’ve learned that it no longer works like that. Talk about sex immediately; find out what you’re into and what you’re not into. What do you like? What do I like? Don’t compromise on what’s important to you.

So, if you are already not a hugger, kisser, or cuddler, and that’s really important to me because touch is my love language, don’t compromise. Why must I compromise that? If you can’t be bothered to really hug or cuddle with me now, you’re definitely not going to do that in a long-term relationship. If, as a woman, you don’t feel safe or protected by your partner, you cannot surrender.

I said this early on—we need to be able to surrender to the men in our lives or the person in our lives that plays the male role. No woman should be in her masculine all the time because then we cannot be feminine, and we cannot express our feminine selves. As for the men, it’s important that they step up and step into their masculinity. If a woman has to make all the decisions all the time, pick up all the slack, and be the one organizing contractors and sorting out the dishwasher, we will lose respect for you. Once we lose respect, it’s almost unwillingly that we become resentful.

We don’t even want to be intimate with you because why must I give to you if I’m not getting back from you? We need to be in such a safe space, so fully present in the moment to surrender sexually. I’m not talking about women who have sex because it’s an obligation. I’m talking about if you really want to have good intimate moments with your partner, come to the party so that she can give you the best version of herself.

It’s also important to touch base on a woman’s sensuality. It’s crucial for women to be sensual and to feel desired. If we don’t feel desired, we cannot give the best version of ourselves.

Have enhancers in your relationship, especially lingerie. Men are, in most cases, very visual and want something to look forward to. You know the saying, “less is more”? I think for sex, it doesn’t necessarily work like that. People like to guess what you look like underneath your clothing, and that’s important. Communication and touch, especially caressing each other, are very important. Find out what works for you, but do not let a sex toy be the main feature of your intimate life, as you can lose sight of the importance of why you’re together.

Sexual guidance is very important, especially if you feel like your partner is missing the mark. Guide them: “Go left, right, harder, softer,” etc. Communicate. Communication is the key to just about anything.

For more information on Caroline Webb, check out her website, carolinewebb.co.za, and follow her awesome content and upcoming courses on her Facebook page, Sensual Muse.

You can contact Coach Caroline via phone/WhatsApp at 082 612 1889.

By Priscilla Olivier